dawn on me

I think I'm someone who likes to work in a quiet and undisturbed environment. Once my train of thought gets disrupted, I'll become distracted and unable to focus on tasks on hand. Perhaps this is the result of growing up as an only child, I value having my own thinking space and time, and will be more than happy to absorb myself in an interested read in my own world.

Being in a vibrant office (or rather a vibrant corner of the office) with so many friends around me does make me lose focus sometimes. It's just like all of a sudden I have four other siblings (who sit just beside me) to be with, to play with, to talk to. Which is a good thing I would admit, as we help each other, enlightening each other on the seemingly unsolvable problems, offering solutions and opinions, lending a listening ear for minor matters that you just want to complain and get it out of your chest.

But that has also made me less efficient in churning out results. I hate to see the disappointment on my superiors' faces. I don't wish them to regret what is their impression of me initially. But I can't get myself out of the cycle. It's really hard to balance both peers and superiors' expectations. Where is the mid point? When do I need to be professional and when to relax and morph into "school" mode? Time after time I find myself concentrating the best when I come in to work early, rushing out things that I could only do when I have some "self" time.

I don't want to come across as being too stiff and serious when not replying to people's comments, so I try to adapt but yet retain my focus when necessary. And apologising when I cannot focus my attention on what they are saying.

Still learning, still understanding while being true to myself. :) I hope my fellow colleagues understand too.

I wish one day I could re-do what I did badly, because I really wanted to do it well. But I am always swayed by other things, and I blame myself for not prioritizing correctly. Regrets, regrets.

You know, reading my own words from all my logbooks has given me more understanding about myself. Did I really write those? It seems rather unbelivable that I can actually put my thoughts into the exact words I wish to use. And I realised too, once I start writing, I will not stop. It's a great feeling to be able to pen down my own experiences, which I guess is what the Internship report should be about.

One day I'll start writing fiction stories again :D