disappointment

it's quite a lousy feeling if you know someone's disappointed in you. you'll try to keep up with high expectations, but sometimes you just fail.

but luckily i'm forgiven. :) i'm sorry. honestly i don't know what came into my mind. i know it was supposed to be done, but somehow it just wasn't registered in my brain.

i'm not as good as what you may expect. I falter, i stumble, i lose priorities. but no other feelings can be as worse as feeling the disappointment as you let someone down.

one more thing i've learnt - proximity actually matters. with the entire dept congregated on an island and me (and the other interns) stranded far far away, you will feel a sense of disconnection (and lose the sense of belonging). i feel that i'm easily replaceable, which is true, but it kind of gets you down.

i try to not think like an intern, but rather from a person who wants to give it her best shot. but time and time again, i get reminded that 'hey, you are not a full-time staff, and you shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be asking for this.'

to different people, some things matter, some things don't. some incidents show that sometimes you are being ignored, you don't matter to the company.

it does make a difference, you know. it really does.

and i'm a person who places huge importance on this.

perhaps the company is too big, and there are too many interns. perhaps i'm more comfortable working in small, horizontal teams that ignores formalities and status quos. perhaps that only happens in school. =P

but i still wish we are more treasured, we play a part in helping out, we are included in company's affairs, we are treated like normal colleagues, and even though we are here for awhile, but our presence still matters. that is my motivation to enjoy work, to want to work even if given the chance not to. it's like studying, my dad always say, "if you really wish to study, you will. I don't have to force you or cane you. I don't believe in that. I believe in you finding your own motivation to do the things you want to do. Because life is too precious to waste time doing things you don't see the need in doing. And you won't do a good job in it."

even though i tell my ad sales director, "well, after me there'll still be others helping you out", i secretly wish he'll remember me for who i am, for what i've done, and for him to meet me a few years down the road and still be able to give me a warm smile because i left an impression.

my department treats me really well though, and i'm really grateful for them. but i guess it ends there.

well, you gain something, you lose something. :)

i like one of our heads, PJ, he's hilariously funny. he hides behind frosted doors just to stare out at people walking by through a strip of clear glass. and he plays along with me when i pretended to hide from him! haha! it's childish, but it's these little things that makes me love cnbc and these things that i will remember long term. its the feeling of treating a person as part of the family, the feeling of being acknowledged. and that really brought my spirits up when i was feeling downright terrible. little things, they are really significant. :)

On a side note, thanks for all the comments given to mykindofcard so far! i really really appreciate all of you who msn-ed, e-mailed me or sms-ed me with your encouragement. that gives me strength! will work on improving the website and adding more designs! :D